Here's where things get gay..

I'm writing this post from inside the Housing Works Bookstore and Cafe which is one of NYC's leading volunteer run bookstores. The proceeds of the store directly benefit AIDS and HIV. Obviously, there is a large gay community that frequents this establishment. Thank you, Housing Works, for continuing to provide much needed funds to the research and development of medical advancements for HIV/AIDS.

How does this tie into anything I am discussing with you all? Well, I guess it does and it doesn't. Firstly, I thought the bookstore should be given a shout out. Free Wifi - Holla. Secondly, I've been thinking of a way to introduce the fact that Daniel is a bi-sexual male and I couldn't figure out a good introduction to the topic. Enter Housing Works and here we are.

Daniel and I had been dating for less than a month when I mentioned that, in jest, a gay friend of mine asked about whether or not he liked boys. Daniel's response was a shy and whispered "well, that depends on how drunk I am". I took it for what it was worth - and a short time thereafter Daniel came 'out' to me about his being full-on bi-sexual, no alcohol influence required. For whatever reason, I seem to attract men who have homosexual tendencies. I suppose it could be that I am a very accepting woman? It could also be that I am as open sexually as almost anyone you're going to meet. Chances are that if it doesn't involve animals, children, or an expressed non-consent, I have tried it and probably liked it. That said, who am I to throw stones? Daniel and I discussed his history with men and at first, I have to admit, I was pretty turned on. I suppose it's a rarity, but I kind of get off on watching two boys make out and take things to the next level. I only know a handful of other women with whom this is cool, so yeah - I suppose it's a rarity.

The topic of Daniel's tendencies with men opened up the discussion to other areas of sexuality as well. I admitted that I used to be a pretty popular sex-blogger and had various ties to the whole sex-blog community. Without compromising my identity at this point, I'll say that I did have my fun within Jefferson's world of onelifetaketwo.com. Jefferson and I have experienced everything from going on a very standard boy/girl date to the movies, to my visiting his house on an impromptu occasion to witness a hot smaller sized BBW experience her very first gangbang. Wait, our movie date was actually to check out Kinsey. Is that standard? Either way, there's a history there that cannot and should not be ignored. I have a bit of a sordid past, readers - and you can bet your ass that that past has a lot to do with the intentions of my future.

Even though I asked him not to go looking on various Internet archive sites, about a month or so into our dating, Daniel couldn't help himself and he dug up some of my old scribbles. He familiarized himself with my other - other alter ego. He got to know her - and in doing so, he forced himself to almost need to experience the same things that she had. You see, Daniel had always wanted to experience these group-sex events. He shared with me that he had tried, to no avail, via various Craigslist postings to get himself invited to group happenings. I suppose it's more difficult to find yourself invited to these events when you're not a willing female? I never had that problem. heh. -

After relentless pushing from his end, I contacted the powers that be and arranged for he and I to attend a thing happening in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. I hadn't been to any type of group event in well over a year, maybe even two, at that point. I just sort of woke up one day and decided that this wasn't for me. I got into the scene via this dude that I had met on, where else?, Craigslist. I remember a time where my sexuality really dominated my thoughts and I went with it. I don't regret having experienced a lot of the things I did. I don't regret having fed the desires that I had that may seem very abnormal to some - but felt very natural to me. I do, however, regret having got caught up in the scene and mistaking the groups with whom I was sharing these outrageous sexual encounters for an intimate setting/foundation. There is a fine line between sexual fantasy and emotional intimacy and as I get older I am beginning to see that line crystal-clear. But, I digress. - We went to this party at this chick's house in Fort Greene. Jefferson was helping her throw her first event and she seemed pretty nervous about the execution. It was rather cute, actually.

We arrived early - and there were only a few bodies there. The way these things generally work is that the earlier part of the evening is spent fully clothed (for the most part) having small talk and noshing on whatever snacks are provided. Sounds kind of nice, doesn't it? It actually is, in a weird way? Anyway, we made chit-chat with some of the other folks there. There was the hostess, Jefferson, a very-youngish girl he'd brought with a voice that was SUPER annoying and what I suspected to be exaggerated to up play the fact that she was a young girl. This was a MAJOR turn off for me. So, yeah - all of those folks and one cute young black boy. As the night grew on, more folks arrived and at some point in which I don't really remember, clothes came off and people began to make their way toward the bedroom. Some of these events require that any play happen in designated rooms and others are a bit more relaxed in terms of where you do your thing. This particular party was the latter and at various points throughout the evening there were people doing their groove-thing all about the place. This is real deal porno type shit happening in the flesh - in front of your eyes. It's pretty wild, to say the least. I had decided before our even going out to the event that I wasn't going to be participating in anything aside from fun with Daniel. I really am over the casual-sex with various anonymous partners thing and I wasn't going to jump back into it because Daniel felt he needed to. I did, however, understand the desires he was having and I figured - fuck it, what can it hurt to support his sexual curiosities? And so, Daniel was pretty much free to do his thing - with the exception of fucking other women. Hey man, what's fair is fair. I wasn't ready for that just yet.

Sex party sheets donned the bed and an air mattress type of device lined the floor. There was also a desk that served as a decent perch for viewing purposes. I was approached a bunch but I stayed true to my decision to not play outside of the relationship. Throughout the evening, I think Daniel had his fun with two boys, one girl, and got to do his share of masturbating while watching various other scenes. There were crops, huge dildos, and if I remember correctly this was the night I met Mr. Nuscious who was rocking some serious garters and took a fist to the ass like a champ. I liked him, instantly, and we became sort of fast friends, via IMs at least. I need to reach out to him! The way the scenes came to be were all sort of random. At one point, this heavily tattooed and bearded boy came up to us while we were making out and asked whether or not he could join in on the kissing. I wasn't really feeling the mountain man look he had going but Daniel had no objections and I took a step to the side to watch the man who I was confident would eventually become my husband make out with a bearded boy in boxer briefs. I took no issue with this at all. Anyone that I've shared that with often has to hold back their vicious comments. I understand - but, I am all about sexual exploration and if this was an activity that Daniel felt he needed or wanted to participate in, I'd rather be there and be a part of it than be one of the many women whose husbands are off sucking cock while they're home breastfeeding the newborn. Think it doesn't happen? Think again.

I watched Daniel make out with bearded mountain man, suck the cock of a aforementioned cutie black boy, finger-bang the hostess, and eventually have his orgasm at the hand of Mr. Beard. There was a point in the evening that I participated with Daniel by going down on him amidst the group. Somewhere in this time, comments had been made by Jefferson who is obviously a former lover. I can't remember what they were exactly but something about the dominant nature of his comments made Daniel feel uncomfortable. I felt like saying "Seriously? This is what you're going to get jealous over, Daniel? Your fucking mouth was just wrapped around another man’s penis and I'm OK with it" - Either way, I knew where my loyalty was supposed to be and the situation became pretty uncomfortable for me. I suggested we leave - and that was met with resistance. Daniel had "come to get off and he hadn't gotten off yet". Yes, that's a quote. I probably should've just up and left, but I went and had a seat in the living room where things were a bit less wild.

I had shared various concerns with him prior to going to this event. I felt we weren't remotely strong enough for this yet. We were only together, what? - a month and a half or so? I was concerned that he wasn't going to be able to separate his personal desires from those of which may or may not be good for a relationship. Couples attending sex parties together have to have a serious bond. I have seen it - and it really can be quite beautiful, but I am a firm believer in the fact that all other facets of your relationship need to be locked down if you're going to go putting other people’s genitalia in your mouth and the likes. I believe that it is certainly possible to separate sex from love - but when you involve another person you better be sure that you are both on the same page. Daniel and I didn't even know each other yet. This event was a mistake.

Once I had calmed down some, I joined the bedroom situation to check in on what was happening. I'm not sure of the exact chain of events but I do know that Daniel had lost his erection at some point and this caused him a bunch of turmoil and discomfort. This was a regular thing - not only at sex parties - but even at home just amongst us two. When I say a regular thing, I don't mean his losing his erections. I mean, I guess I do mean that, but I don't mean it to come out in a negative way. Men lose erections. It happens. I'm not at all being judgmental here. What I am referring to is his discomfort with it happening. The very last fight we had as boyfriend and girlfriend was loosely surrounded by Daniel losing his erection. After doing so, he apologized to me for being "fucking pathetic". Daniel, if you ever read this... you have to chill. It happens - it's not the end of the world and by contributing to the thoughts that you're pathetic and the likes, you're only fueling the fire thus causing the smolder, so to speak.

Ok - fast forward to the orgasm part of the evening. Daniel's eventual orgasm was via a half blow job / half hand job from the bearded dude. Daniel came all over this poor girl’s floor. All I could think was 'ew - how rude-'.. See? I really am over the group-sex thing. This should've been a situation that made me feel hot and instead I am all thinking about whether or not the quicker picker upper was going to work for the huge load he'd blown all over the floor. Shortly after Daniel got his rocks off, we set off for my apartment.

I cried on the way home - and explained to him that when I asked him to leave it wasn't because I was looking out for his best interest and that regardless of what the reason behind my asking it should have been accepted and executed rather than debated. Daniel punched the steering wheel a bunch of times - and for the next few months talked only about how sex-parties could be a lot more fun if you weren't limited by your partner’s opinions - or, for lack of a better word, rules. I suppose that's true to an extent, but then - maybe this is why you shouldn't go trying to create your own sexual history based on that of your lovers past that you excavated without consent.

This is also a lesson learned for me - and I can almost guarantee you that moving forward whomever it is I do wind up with will not be privy to my complete sexual history.

It's pretty obvious when you meet me, via my appearance and my general demeanor, that I am a sexually charged woman but the extent of my experience is not something I am going to continue to be so lucid about. That sort of bothers me and in a weird way I kind of feel like I am denying a part of who I am. Then again, in the interest of personal growth and moving forward, maybe I'm not really that girl anymore at all?