Here's where things get gay..

I'm writing this post from inside the Housing Works Bookstore and Cafe which is one of NYC's leading volunteer run bookstores. The proceeds of the store directly benefit AIDS and HIV. Obviously, there is a large gay community that frequents this establishment. Thank you, Housing Works, for continuing to provide much needed funds to the research and development of medical advancements for HIV/AIDS.

How does this tie into anything I am discussing with you all? Well, I guess it does and it doesn't. Firstly, I thought the bookstore should be given a shout out. Free Wifi - Holla. Secondly, I've been thinking of a way to introduce the fact that Daniel is a bi-sexual male and I couldn't figure out a good introduction to the topic. Enter Housing Works and here we are.

Daniel and I had been dating for less than a month when I mentioned that, in jest, a gay friend of mine asked about whether or not he liked boys. Daniel's response was a shy and whispered "well, that depends on how drunk I am". I took it for what it was worth - and a short time thereafter Daniel came 'out' to me about his being full-on bi-sexual, no alcohol influence required. For whatever reason, I seem to attract men who have homosexual tendencies. I suppose it could be that I am a very accepting woman? It could also be that I am as open sexually as almost anyone you're going to meet. Chances are that if it doesn't involve animals, children, or an expressed non-consent, I have tried it and probably liked it. That said, who am I to throw stones? Daniel and I discussed his history with men and at first, I have to admit, I was pretty turned on. I suppose it's a rarity, but I kind of get off on watching two boys make out and take things to the next level. I only know a handful of other women with whom this is cool, so yeah - I suppose it's a rarity.

The topic of Daniel's tendencies with men opened up the discussion to other areas of sexuality as well. I admitted that I used to be a pretty popular sex-blogger and had various ties to the whole sex-blog community. Without compromising my identity at this point, I'll say that I did have my fun within Jefferson's world of onelifetaketwo.com. Jefferson and I have experienced everything from going on a very standard boy/girl date to the movies, to my visiting his house on an impromptu occasion to witness a hot smaller sized BBW experience her very first gangbang. Wait, our movie date was actually to check out Kinsey. Is that standard? Either way, there's a history there that cannot and should not be ignored. I have a bit of a sordid past, readers - and you can bet your ass that that past has a lot to do with the intentions of my future.

Even though I asked him not to go looking on various Internet archive sites, about a month or so into our dating, Daniel couldn't help himself and he dug up some of my old scribbles. He familiarized himself with my other - other alter ego. He got to know her - and in doing so, he forced himself to almost need to experience the same things that she had. You see, Daniel had always wanted to experience these group-sex events. He shared with me that he had tried, to no avail, via various Craigslist postings to get himself invited to group happenings. I suppose it's more difficult to find yourself invited to these events when you're not a willing female? I never had that problem. heh. -

After relentless pushing from his end, I contacted the powers that be and arranged for he and I to attend a thing happening in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. I hadn't been to any type of group event in well over a year, maybe even two, at that point. I just sort of woke up one day and decided that this wasn't for me. I got into the scene via this dude that I had met on, where else?, Craigslist. I remember a time where my sexuality really dominated my thoughts and I went with it. I don't regret having experienced a lot of the things I did. I don't regret having fed the desires that I had that may seem very abnormal to some - but felt very natural to me. I do, however, regret having got caught up in the scene and mistaking the groups with whom I was sharing these outrageous sexual encounters for an intimate setting/foundation. There is a fine line between sexual fantasy and emotional intimacy and as I get older I am beginning to see that line crystal-clear. But, I digress. - We went to this party at this chick's house in Fort Greene. Jefferson was helping her throw her first event and she seemed pretty nervous about the execution. It was rather cute, actually.

We arrived early - and there were only a few bodies there. The way these things generally work is that the earlier part of the evening is spent fully clothed (for the most part) having small talk and noshing on whatever snacks are provided. Sounds kind of nice, doesn't it? It actually is, in a weird way? Anyway, we made chit-chat with some of the other folks there. There was the hostess, Jefferson, a very-youngish girl he'd brought with a voice that was SUPER annoying and what I suspected to be exaggerated to up play the fact that she was a young girl. This was a MAJOR turn off for me. So, yeah - all of those folks and one cute young black boy. As the night grew on, more folks arrived and at some point in which I don't really remember, clothes came off and people began to make their way toward the bedroom. Some of these events require that any play happen in designated rooms and others are a bit more relaxed in terms of where you do your thing. This particular party was the latter and at various points throughout the evening there were people doing their groove-thing all about the place. This is real deal porno type shit happening in the flesh - in front of your eyes. It's pretty wild, to say the least. I had decided before our even going out to the event that I wasn't going to be participating in anything aside from fun with Daniel. I really am over the casual-sex with various anonymous partners thing and I wasn't going to jump back into it because Daniel felt he needed to. I did, however, understand the desires he was having and I figured - fuck it, what can it hurt to support his sexual curiosities? And so, Daniel was pretty much free to do his thing - with the exception of fucking other women. Hey man, what's fair is fair. I wasn't ready for that just yet.

Sex party sheets donned the bed and an air mattress type of device lined the floor. There was also a desk that served as a decent perch for viewing purposes. I was approached a bunch but I stayed true to my decision to not play outside of the relationship. Throughout the evening, I think Daniel had his fun with two boys, one girl, and got to do his share of masturbating while watching various other scenes. There were crops, huge dildos, and if I remember correctly this was the night I met Mr. Nuscious who was rocking some serious garters and took a fist to the ass like a champ. I liked him, instantly, and we became sort of fast friends, via IMs at least. I need to reach out to him! The way the scenes came to be were all sort of random. At one point, this heavily tattooed and bearded boy came up to us while we were making out and asked whether or not he could join in on the kissing. I wasn't really feeling the mountain man look he had going but Daniel had no objections and I took a step to the side to watch the man who I was confident would eventually become my husband make out with a bearded boy in boxer briefs. I took no issue with this at all. Anyone that I've shared that with often has to hold back their vicious comments. I understand - but, I am all about sexual exploration and if this was an activity that Daniel felt he needed or wanted to participate in, I'd rather be there and be a part of it than be one of the many women whose husbands are off sucking cock while they're home breastfeeding the newborn. Think it doesn't happen? Think again.

I watched Daniel make out with bearded mountain man, suck the cock of a aforementioned cutie black boy, finger-bang the hostess, and eventually have his orgasm at the hand of Mr. Beard. There was a point in the evening that I participated with Daniel by going down on him amidst the group. Somewhere in this time, comments had been made by Jefferson who is obviously a former lover. I can't remember what they were exactly but something about the dominant nature of his comments made Daniel feel uncomfortable. I felt like saying "Seriously? This is what you're going to get jealous over, Daniel? Your fucking mouth was just wrapped around another man’s penis and I'm OK with it" - Either way, I knew where my loyalty was supposed to be and the situation became pretty uncomfortable for me. I suggested we leave - and that was met with resistance. Daniel had "come to get off and he hadn't gotten off yet". Yes, that's a quote. I probably should've just up and left, but I went and had a seat in the living room where things were a bit less wild.

I had shared various concerns with him prior to going to this event. I felt we weren't remotely strong enough for this yet. We were only together, what? - a month and a half or so? I was concerned that he wasn't going to be able to separate his personal desires from those of which may or may not be good for a relationship. Couples attending sex parties together have to have a serious bond. I have seen it - and it really can be quite beautiful, but I am a firm believer in the fact that all other facets of your relationship need to be locked down if you're going to go putting other people’s genitalia in your mouth and the likes. I believe that it is certainly possible to separate sex from love - but when you involve another person you better be sure that you are both on the same page. Daniel and I didn't even know each other yet. This event was a mistake.

Once I had calmed down some, I joined the bedroom situation to check in on what was happening. I'm not sure of the exact chain of events but I do know that Daniel had lost his erection at some point and this caused him a bunch of turmoil and discomfort. This was a regular thing - not only at sex parties - but even at home just amongst us two. When I say a regular thing, I don't mean his losing his erections. I mean, I guess I do mean that, but I don't mean it to come out in a negative way. Men lose erections. It happens. I'm not at all being judgmental here. What I am referring to is his discomfort with it happening. The very last fight we had as boyfriend and girlfriend was loosely surrounded by Daniel losing his erection. After doing so, he apologized to me for being "fucking pathetic". Daniel, if you ever read this... you have to chill. It happens - it's not the end of the world and by contributing to the thoughts that you're pathetic and the likes, you're only fueling the fire thus causing the smolder, so to speak.

Ok - fast forward to the orgasm part of the evening. Daniel's eventual orgasm was via a half blow job / half hand job from the bearded dude. Daniel came all over this poor girl’s floor. All I could think was 'ew - how rude-'.. See? I really am over the group-sex thing. This should've been a situation that made me feel hot and instead I am all thinking about whether or not the quicker picker upper was going to work for the huge load he'd blown all over the floor. Shortly after Daniel got his rocks off, we set off for my apartment.

I cried on the way home - and explained to him that when I asked him to leave it wasn't because I was looking out for his best interest and that regardless of what the reason behind my asking it should have been accepted and executed rather than debated. Daniel punched the steering wheel a bunch of times - and for the next few months talked only about how sex-parties could be a lot more fun if you weren't limited by your partner’s opinions - or, for lack of a better word, rules. I suppose that's true to an extent, but then - maybe this is why you shouldn't go trying to create your own sexual history based on that of your lovers past that you excavated without consent.

This is also a lesson learned for me - and I can almost guarantee you that moving forward whomever it is I do wind up with will not be privy to my complete sexual history.

It's pretty obvious when you meet me, via my appearance and my general demeanor, that I am a sexually charged woman but the extent of my experience is not something I am going to continue to be so lucid about. That sort of bothers me and in a weird way I kind of feel like I am denying a part of who I am. Then again, in the interest of personal growth and moving forward, maybe I'm not really that girl anymore at all?

So I conducted a social expirement

As a half of a social experiment half honest excitement about a very
interesting essay I read today, I posted a link on Facebook for my
friends to get their read on – The essay in question can be viewed
here for those of you who are interested… It’s pretty long, consider
that a warning.

The crib notes are basically this – Einstein’s posing the statement
that the most important question a person can ask in their lifetime is
whether or not the universe is friendly. The author of the essay took
this question and placed it into a thought provoking lengthy piece of
work in which he doesn’t attempt to answer the question of whether the
universe is happy or not – but instead, he gives examples of how a
persons thought patterns and the likes may or may not attract
different things in their lives. It’s a bit more complex than that and
it contains various thoughts on quantum mechanics, universal
coincidences (or lack thereof) and the basic laws of attraction. It borderlines on the basic foundations of “The Secret” –

So, I post this link – and I ask for thoughtful and intelligent conversation and opinions to be provided via feedback. (It’s times like this that I really miss Daniel) – Amongst the first bit of feedback that come in is the general statement that the question of whether or not the universe is friendly is in of itself a “retarded question” – Great, thanks for that opinion there buddy. Very thoughtful response. Next up is a Facebook friend who must’ve thought I was asking for the essay to be explained to me because she went into how the entire thing was really just all about the glass ½ empty vs the glass ½ full. Once again, thanks for that very thought out and explicit comment. In short, by around 25 minutes after posting the essay I was enraged that not one of my 496 facebook friends had a thoughtful enough comment to solicit an intelligent conversation on a topic which I find to be something that can be discussed to no end.

I need new friends

A strong percentage of my strong desire to breakup with Brooklyn lies in the fact that the people with whom I associate here are by and large very unexposed. It’s not the under-exposure that bothers me about them – I understand not being taught about the world and coming up in an area that was somewhat segregated. What I don’t understand is how in 2010 with the internet, media, and various other sources of information, these same folks are not dying to get out into the world and learn something new. This – in of itself – is a driving force behind my needing a serious change of scenery.

I know what many of you might be thinking and that is that my experiences with in Brooklyn are not representative of the entire Borough – and you’re right. Unfortunately, rent in an area with a bit of a more cultured existence is outrageously high and I am simply not in a position to take that step financially. So, what CAN I do?

A few friends have suggested meetup.com – Do any of you have any experience with it? I’m generally familiar with the concept behind the site and I think it’s a cool enough idea. I’m not sure what types of meetups I’d be into – but the idea of seeking out a more cultured audience in terms of social companionship is seriously appealing to me right now.

Social companionship – did I just say that? What the fuck is social companionship, anyway? You’re talking to a girl who would easily date a different dude every night and stay more than busy doing so. What is this concept I am about to embrace? Not using what I’ve got on my side in terms of being an attractive outgoing female – to get men to hang out with me by dangling the carrot that is my vagina in their face? What? –


When did this happen?

I was speaking to my therapist about that tonight, actually, and I announced to him, proudly, that I have not yet jumped into the sack with a suitor as a means to ease the pain of splitting with Daniel. I am, however, starting to have some natural desires again – and that means I’m about to enter some rough terrain with respect to riding the road that is this healing process I need to go through. It’s very easy to medicate yourself via drug or dick – what is not easy is resisting the temptation to fill a general void you’re having as a human being. I feel that void entering the picture on a grand scale and while I am dedicated to not making the same mistakes I’ve made in my past with respect to casual sex, I can’t say I’m not really starting to feel really lonely.

Who - What - Where - When - Why - as it stands today

Dating Daniel was sort of a sweet escape from the usual men I've been with. He is originally from Florida, attended college in Minnesota and has done his share of traveling. He regularly commented on how NYC seemed like a great place to be for now but he couldn't see it being home. That made me hopeful, as having called Brooklyn home for the last 32 years has really weighed me down and I have no doubt that this won't be home forever. I have been contemplating leaving Brooklyn for years now.

They say you can't get where you're going unless you know where you've been, right? Well, with that in mind, let's talk about the who/what/where/whens/whys of Kitty Graves' life as it stands today:

The who: Kitty Graves, female, 32 years old. A mix of Italian (Siciliana), German and a bunch of other fun stuff. Born with a severe addiction to Methadone into a family of one 7 year old sibling and two parents both of which are also Brooklyn born and raised. Household was of the typical Brooklyn Italian persuasion and located right outside of Coney Island. Employed full time in Administrative Management in NYC. Sexual orientation: Straight (with a history of extreme experimentation) No children. Single. Under-sexed, Under-paid, Under-loved, Over-emotional. Lives with one cat and often thinks about getting another but doesn't want to be a Crazy Cat Lady before the age of 50. Education: HS Graduate with approximately 30 some-odd college credits. Currently in application phase for program at a Brooklyn based hospital program for Radiological Therapy. Physical description: Brunette, ultra-feminine with a propensity to rock Timberlands and Hoodies on the perfect spring night. Moderately tattooed. Size 10 all American chubby chick - full bust, full ass, full of spit & vinegar!

The where: I am one week into a new one bedroom apartment in the South West corner of Brooklyn, NYC. My neighborhood is one of the few remaining Brooklyn neighborhoods to have a heavily populated Italian immigrant population. Seeing as I am an Italian American myself, this works for me.

The why: Well - this answer will come in multiples -

(a) 6 months into living with Daniel he pulled the plug on our relationship forcing me to find a new place in a hurry. Part (a) of the why section brought me to the where section.

(b) I have been a resident of the South-Westish area of Brooklyn my entire life and it's familiar. It's interesting that as much as I seek a change, I continue to stay in an area that has not seen much in terms of the ever popular gentrification of Brooklyn. The truth is this: I am paying $850.00 for a one bedroom apartment in a very safe area (Wikipedia reports there was only 1 murder last year!). Now, don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to live in a gorgeous area like Carroll Gardens, which by the way also has a decent Italian population left, but in comparison to what I am getting for my money down yonder, I'd be renting a closet converted into a bedroom. I, unlike most people who are moving into Brooklyn, cannot see paying more than 50% of my income on rent alone. That's just insane.

(c) I've been at this jumpy South-West Brooklyn thing for approximately 13 years. During High School I was lucky enough to jump into a program called Co-Operative Education. I worked one week and went to school the next. The program gave me the opportunity to get ties into fortune 500 companies in Manhattan and by the age of 19 I was supporting myself with a full-time job on Wall Street. This wasn't any Gordon Gecko gig - but it paid the bills and gave me the opportunity to get the fuck out of dodge (aka, home) when the environment became way too unhealthy. Since then it's been one big game of survival.

I envy those who have had education and a safe home life handed to them. I envy them more than you can possibly imagine. Only now, at nearly 32 years old, am I beginning to come up for air. Only now am I beginning the process of stepping out of survival and into success. This shit is scarier than anything I have ever had to do - and as this blog builds more of a foundation on my past you may find that hard to believe.. Because, frankly, I've been through some shit.


The when: There is no time like the present

The what: Damned if I know? The what? What is it, exactly, that I am hoping to accomplish by documenting what may be estimated to be the next two years of my life? Phew... You know, I'm not sure I can really answer that definitively. I have one ultimate mission in mind and that is to say goodbye to the borough of Brooklyn. I suppose it's safe to say that this blog will be a structure of sort? It may serve as a ladder I need to climb up and out. It may wind up serving as just a means to get out the pain I hold inside. The pain of a life that has been far less than fortunate, the pain of a break-up that has not only broken my heart but proceeded to masticate it, swallow it, regurgitate it and spit it in my face. Yeah, I can be dramatic at times. Get used to it. Ultimately, it may just be something to do to kill the time while I figure out the next steps in this 32 year stroll through life.

The one thing I can tell you for sure, however, is that the story will be a wild one so strap in and get ready to ride. I am happy you're joining me and quite frankly, I need you, so please, stick around.

I can't say he didn't warn me...

I met Daniel at the very start of 2009. We began chatting after he responded to a personal ad I had placed on Craigslist. I know what you're thinking.. Craigslist? I suppose you're sort of right - but the fact of the matter is that I threw the ad up just to see what would happen. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd meet someone with whom a first date would last 5 days and after nine-months of dating we'd move in together. But, I did.

We have very different backgrounds and while that didn't seem to be an issue at first, it certainly began to present itself throughout the duration of our courting. His family is uber-successful where mine is, well let's just say that my father is meeting with a lawyer this week to discuss his options for a 2nd filing of Chapter 11. You'll learn plenty more about my family life as this blog picks up and I build a basis for you to understand why it is I am filing for divorce from Brooklyn, New York.

As this blogs title indicates, there is a bit of a double entendre thing happening here and I hope I can introduce the various ideas with which I am beginning this story in an eloquent and easy to follow manner. I am beginning my story in real time. Today is April 18, 2010 and while the rest of the world knows me as Kitty Graves, for the purposes of the remainder of this post I shall be termed Brooklyn.

Breaking up with Brooklyn: A play in one act - one short, vicious, and surgical act, was performed live in front of an audience of one; me, on March 17 of this year. Daniel and I had been having our various problems for a while and as this posts title indicates, I can't say he didn't warn me... I can't say he didn't warn me that if we continued to have these "relationship talks" for much longer he'd be on his way. I can't say he didn't warn me that he had a ridiculously easy time with letting people go. I can't say he didn't warn me that he could be a cold-hearted son of a bitch. What I can say, however, is that for some strange reason I truly believed he'd never do or be those things to me. Reality is a bitch, though - isn't she?

These aforementioned relationship talks began around a month prior to the actual break-up. My being this firestorm of emotion makes it nearly impossible for me to sit quiet with my thoughts. With that in mind, when I noticed Daniel had been acting a bit disinterested in - well, everything except for Playstation 3, porn, and our cat, Stratus, I began to feel pretty insecure and anxious. I asked for reassurance that we were OK - and I asked for it commonly. I've always been hypersensitive, or as I like to refer to it, very intuitive when it came to picking up on someone distancing themselves. Abandonment issues aside, I really do have some sort of knack for knowing when things are amiss. I brought it up - to a fault - and insisted we discuss the feelings I was having. Daniel went from a man that talked about marrying me and thinking about having children to someone that would jump for joy for a night alone in our apartment. If I was on your end of the intertubes reading this, I'd think to myself "well, maybe he just didn't love her anymore" - but I don't think that's what it was about. Love was never our issue - I believe it to be a lot deeper than that.

Earlier I mentioned our first date lasting 5 days. I wasn't kidding. Daniel and I linked up for a drink with the intention of following up drinks with a hip-hop party in Brooklyn, NY. There's this DJ troupe called The Rub and their parties are pretty awesome. I mentioned the idea and once he and I had met and been comfortable enough with each other to commit to a full night of hanging out, we walked the few blocks over to the club where The Rub was doing their thing. January in NYC is serious - and as we waited on the snaking line to get into the spot, I reached out for the warmth of another human in the form of a hug. Minutes later we had our first kiss. The night was amazing. We listened to and danced to old school hip-hop, drank plenty of alcohol, and generally enjoyed each other’s company. The reason I bring any of this up at this point is because before we even left the club we had begun to discuss our various 'issues' and we shared these thoughts with each other in an attempt to not fall into the same traps we both had in the past. Looking back on it, it’s almost like we were working to keep the relationship alive before it was ever technically born. Either way, my honest admissions included telling Daniel that I have a tendency to find reasons to run away from people who seem to be good for me. I admitted to not believing I was "good enough" for a higher caliber of human being. I admitted that I had tons of insecurities and wasn't sure I had anything in common with folks who have had a normal life. He admitted that he would look for various reasons to dislike someone quickly and then run the other way, never giving them a fair chance. He also admitted having an aptitude for dropping someone in the blink of an eye and never looking back.

I can't say he didn't warn me.....